Sahana Vavatu

flexing my yoga muscles

yoginiray — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 18:23:35 +0000

My, it’s been quite some time, hasn’t it?

Indeed, so let me just jump right in, recently I’ve done some work in sorting through my past and trying to find some comfortable ground upon which I can stand so that when it is revisited, I don’t fall apart as I recollect my many (MANY) mistakes. This has been quite the journey and I don’t know how far off its culmination is, but there have been a good number of uncomfortable periods would I have liked to just sweep it all under a rug of forgetfulness. Since I can’t find that rug anywhere, I”m stuck just shuffling the pile of mess around trying to find appropriate locations to just keep it out of sight for a bit. But then you know what happened? A strong wind blew and dispersed it all over the place and now I’m working on sweeping it all up, but this time, finding some use for all the specs of unwanted memories that I compile.

Enter, someone like me, but not my best me, more like the real me, the me I’d like to keep in the pile under the rug. What do I do with that? As of late, I’ve been unkind. I can shamefully admit that. It’s as though me seeing what I don’t like in myself in someone else in some way gave me the feeling that I had the liberty to chastise and question that person. And you know what they said? “… you’re just as different as me”. That was profound for me, because it’s true, I could clearly see how I had taken that “difference” and rejected it, as I have long rejected and tried to ignore my own difference. When I befriend people, I usually seek to make friendships with people who exemplify the better parts of myself or who espouse the values I wish to hold dear (notice that…wish to hold dear…). I suppose I expect osmosis to do the rest if I surround myself with such folks. So, this person, this “guru in disguise” (perhaps), how do I handle the developing friendship? Honestly I am utterly confused, I’ve for so long ignored my shadow and the more I flex my yoga muscles, the more I realize the need to at least look at the shadow and accept that it is a reflection of sorts that I cast…but how do you look into the darkness without it consuming your light…?

Om Shanti

my abilities in yoga

yoginiray — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 16:52:34 +0000

For some reason, completing physical feats in some way make me feel like I can do anything. When I ran an 8mile race a few years back, I couldn’t believe I’d accomplished that. No biggie for some, but a real biggie for me, since I’ve always been a sprinter, and 2miles was “long distance” for me! So, yoga asanas have this amazing ability to make me feel again like I can do anything, but in a new way. I don’t feel like I’ve pushed past some gruesome pain to be able to do anything, rather I feel like I’ve finally listened and had a good conversation with my body and it’s telling me, “you can do this”, and I do it. I write this because yesterday I went to an arm balancing workshop, just for fun and because one of my favorite teachers was doing the workshop. I figured the worst that can happen is I fall on my head, and I won’t be too high in the air, so it’s shouldn’t be too bad of a fall. So, me and my little one are at this workshop and I’m doing a hand stand, for mere seconds, but still, next thing I know, I’m doing side crow with the straight leg, then scorpion. Mind you, I’m finding each of these poses for mere seconds, but still, I never would have imagined I’d even come close! And all I did was listen and feel. It’s a life lesson for me too. I’ve spent most of my life “fighting for what I want” and we hear that often, ” you’ve got to fight for anything worth having”, but I’m finding that you don’t always have to fight, or at least I can better chose my battles. I believe for a great while I was fighting with myself, trying to attain what I wanted and perhaps ignoring what I needed most. My world crashed at one point, and I’ve been rebuilding it since and have recently begun to feel like I might actually have a solid foundation intact. What I want is starting to merge with what I need and I feel less fight and more cooperation. It’s wonderfully liberating and all from a bit of asana. I do so enjoy the life lessons from the mat. I’ve just needed to listen…

Om Shanti

Change

yoginiray — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 02:34:19 +0000

As I welcome the New Year, I am working to embrace some known changes that I have long wished would not occur. Being a military spouse is a wonderful life, but it is also one of inconsistency and consistency is something that I work towards and is something that keeps me grounded and preserves and encourages self-reliance and emotional stability for me. So, the impending changes that will unfold as the year progresses will be challenges to a foundation that I spent a lifetime building and have finally begun to feel the security of. Truly, I have just recently,since my tryst with yoga, begun to see things more clearly, to accept things more graciously and to give of myself more healthily. It is as though I’ve begun to recognize the strength in my own legs and I fear the changes the year will bring may introduce a bit of shakiness. I mention this trepidation, because I do not want to do as I’ve done in the past and ignore what I know is planned, pretending it will not happen, and then when it does being very unstable. No, I want to accept things I cannot change and recognize the things that I can. I can change how I prepare for these upcoming changes, I can change my outlook, and I can change what I allow to influence me. I can refuse to indulge myself in self-pity, and I can look to a growing community of supporters, I can look to my practice and I can look to the God I’ve come to befriend in the past year. I’d like to begin the year and proceed throughout the year with a realistic sense of self and humble awareness of the fact that I will need help to make it through this year. Thank you for time in reading my blurb. Happy 2011!

Om Shanti

Surrounding me…

yoginiray — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 02:02:25 +0000

When good things happen we think, “what a wonderful coincidence”, at least that’s what I used to think. And to be honest, I’ve been blessed to experience a decent amount of ‘good’ things. When bad things happen though, we ask (I ask) “what did I do wrong, what wrong did I commit in order to deserve this?” Isn’t t interesting? When good things come, it somehow doesn’t occur to us that we may have in some way brought that about, but when it is bad, we must have caused it. With that definition, it sounds as though we can only bring about bad and we have no control over good. Today a funny thing happened. I was in a rush when I left for work and I left the keys to the building at home. Now ordinarily this would not be a terrible inconvenience, I would just turn around and get them from my house. Today is Tuesday though, and Tuesdays and Thursdays I walk to work, so the walk home to get the keys would have been quite an inconvenience and we had someone call in sick so the only other person who would have had the keys today would not be in. In the past, I can remember feelings of anger, and distress overcoming me, and I would commence to crying and wondering what “wrong” thing did I do to deserve this. Not today, I just searched around a bit and summoned my inner Macguyver and found my way into the building. That was a triumph and I was excited, then I remembered I still needed the key to get into the main office. So, I hesitated in celebrating for a moment. fortunately the night before I left the main office door ajar because another employee, who did not have the main office key, was supposed to be in. And guess what…the door was still slightly ajar! I share this story because when this happened I did something that felt wonderful, I felt as though everything happened exactly as it should. I didn’t try to think of some good deed I had done that might have rendered this outcome for me. I simply said “Namaste” as I’ve come to do when things work out exactly as they should. I don’t look to myself for the reason or the cause, other than the fact that I am part of the universe and the universe is me. When things don’t work out how I planned them, true I am upset, but not so much at myself as I am at not being able to reach my desired outcome. But I try to be grateful for the opportunity to make the best of the new outcome. I am so fortunate to have life, and to be able to see it more clearly each day is the greatest gift. Good and bad are relative, and I’ve not overcome assigning the terms to various experiences, but I have grown tremendously in my ability to work with what comes my way. Perhaps others will not draw the same conclusion from my story, but I enjoyed sharing it. Thank you.

Om Shanti

a year in yoga

yoginiray — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 08:15:27 +0000

The other day I was taking note of the day and realized that we are in the month of October. This time last year I was reacquainting myself with yoga and in the year that followed I’ve begun establishing roots in…well, myself. I am in near disbelief that a year has nearly passed and I still sit to meditate daily. Have my meditations improved? Ahhhh, well, I know that I can now sit for longer periods more comfortably. That’s progress, after all, aren’t asanas preparation to sit? ahhhh…I’m getting somewhere! I’m feeling very upbeat and encouraged. Two wonderful things happened in such close proximity to one another that I cannot ignore the occurences and write them off as sheer coincidence. I’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two!
Thing One- I’ve been fortunate to become a part of a wonderful network of people. Within this network lies a gifted friend who shares her gift openly. She reads Tarot cards. I’ve been raised to believe that such readings are evidence of dabblings in dark magic and that readings just remind you of your evil past and either tell you of great fortune or great pain in the future. So, I’ve always been afraid of such readings. I shared this sentiment with my reader friend and she assured me Tarot card readings were nothing of the sort…and I believed her, somewhat hesitantly, but still agreed to have my cards read. After a wonderfully relaxing yoga class and a bit of sweet treats and two cups of tea, I wit the support of fellow yogis engaged in a reading. And it was a fantastically liberating experience. The reading was an excellent reminder for me about the work I am putting into my life, and of the fact that we all come from something, it could be bad, it could be good, it may even be in between. It shapes who we are. In learning to be present, we must acknowledge our past and move on, hopefully forward. The reading also spoke to some advice given to me from a friend just a few days prior to the reading. He told me that my Higher Self is coming and to let her in. Perhaps that should be a Thing of it’s own, perhaps Thing Three then. Now that I’ve jumped about, let me next speak about Thing Two. The day directly before the reading, I was at the beach enjoying the water, when I strong wave swept up and took my mala right off of my wrist. This particular mala I’ve had for years, and for years, I’ve not worn it, nor had I known what to do with it. In the past year, I’ve used it during meditations. It is a 21 bead mala which I thought suited me, the novice yogi, as a 108 bead mala intimidated me. I had recently been contemplating “graduating” to a mala of a higher bead count but thought perhaps I’m not ready for that challenge. Well, as the 21 bead mala was whisked away from my wrist and into the ocean, I thought, perhaps this is my “graduation”. I’m not certain that I’ll go straight to 108, but I feel as though I was being encouraged to accept new challenges and to have confidence in my growing connection with the One that I wil receive the guidance I need to persevere. I realize the order of my Things is not in sequence of their occurence, but I’ve deemed the reading Thing One although it happened last, because it tied it all together for me and set me about my course with a renewed sense of self and awareness.
This post is a bit of a jumble and I wish I wrote with more fluidity at times, but words spring from my mind and onto the screen so quickly and I don’t always want to revise the way they came out. I like to leave it a bit raw and uncooked. Sometimes it goes down better that way.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Om Shanti

Just a few days past the expiration date

yoginiray — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 04:11:11 +0000

I was sitting here thinking about what my life can be likened to and I’ve decided (at least for the time being) that my life is and has been very much like milk that is “just a few days past the expiration date”. You know when you meander into the kitchen and think, “I’d like a glass of milk, or I’d like a bowl of cereal” and then you hesitate because you’re not sure, but you think you might be out of milk. So you look in the fridge and are hopeful when you see that there’s a bit of milk left in the container. Then, you notice the expiration date…and today’s date is “just a few days past the expiration date”. Your hope fades a little as you realize it might be spoiled since you didn’t keep it at the back of the fridge (you heard somewhere that doing so makes your milk keep longer). But you really want cereal (or just a glass of milk), so you go for the sniff test, if t smells good, it should be good, right? It’s not noticeably chunky, so you figure smelling good may yield your much desired serving of milk. So, you lift the container to your nose and give it a whiff, and wait then give it another whiff. You don’t notice a overpoweringly pungent odor, so your hope returns. Still a bit hesitant you figure you might as well take a swig to see if it is indeed still good, or if it’s too far gone. The smell test isn’t always a no fail way to check milk’s freshness after all. So, you go for a swig…In pops the story of my life and I’m guessing the story of a great many other people. Sometimes the milk is fine and you’re glad, because you get to have your bowl of cereal (or glass of milk, or whatever) and sometimes you just end up with the taste of old milk in your mouth and disappointed feeling since you were unable to enjoy what you desired . Right now, I feel as though I am at the point where I realize the milk is “just a few days past the expiration date” and from past experiences, I feel as though it just may be soured. As time goes by, I may sally up and go straight for the taste test and hope it proves satisfying, but for now, I’m just going to eat my cereal with water.
Om Shanti

its been a while and it seems like I should say something

yoginiray — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:27:47 +0000

As the title states, I feel like I should say something. I’ve had these two ideas floating around in my head, and I guess I’ll try to write about one of them.
Let’s say that as individuals we are homes. That includes the yard and the house. Some people spend a great deal of time outside, while others are inside more often, and still others are some marriage between the two,maybe on the porch most of the time. With this idea of an individual applied to myself, I feel as though I spend a great deal of time inside looking out the window at either the front lawn or the backyard, feeling as though should get out there and do something. I’m not certain exactly what it is, but I feel like being inside is stiffling and a forced routine, one that I don’t truly enjoy, but one that I feel I must complete each day. Sometimes to try and make things easier I pretend that inside is all there is.That nothing exists outside of the walls of the house, but then it rains and I think of how much the flowers outside need that rain, and I am reminded that I am more than just the inside of my home.
What does all this mean, right? I do believe that spiritual work is a great deal internal, but I also believe that it involves living those values and showing those values and progress on the outside. And it’s not important to show this progress just to show it, but you have to be outside enough so that you can help others. So that you can see the passerbys who may need your help or support. What good is all the spiritual work if all is does is distance you instead of bring you closer to others?
Which leads me to my second idea about being near people who have no interest or concern for your inner work and therefore are often unconcerned with how certain circumstances may affect you. I liken it to addicts of any kind, if the addict is trying to drop the habit, it would beneficial for him/her to stay away from the substance or scenario (especially in the beginning). It would be more beneficial for the addict to surround himself with individuals and situations that support his inner work. So as truth seekers, or spiritualists (or whatever label one chooses to take) shouldn’t we surround ourselves with those who support our cause or our journey? That’s not to say those that don’t support us should be excommunicated, but it does mean that we have to be cautious of how we allow others to influence us and we have to be cautious of the situations we allow ourselves to be in. These are just some thoughts that have been swirling in my head since I’ve not been to a yoga class or seen my yoga pals in such a long time.
While I realize my practice should not rely on them, I noticibly notice the differnce when I’ve not encountered their energy in a long period of time. I’ve known the power of other’s energy, but I am noticing it personally as I am struggling to find my peace and maintain it.
Thank you for listening.
Om Shanti

thoughtful reflection

yoginiray — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:15:02 +0000

This past week has seemed immeasurably busy. I’ve felt as though as soon as I finish one task, the next is at my doorstep demanding attention. And in some instances the attention seems demanding even before I’ve completed my initial task. I felt overwhelmed for awhile and for a few moments gave in to thinking about just giving it all up and doing nothing. I thought back to the end of last year when I felt I had earned a break, rather I allowed myself to belive the hype and felt like I should take a day to myself. My husband was very obliging in watching my daughter and allowing me to take the day to myself at my leisure. I went for a jog, had a massage, had lunch out, laid on the beach and read a book. But the longer I lay on the beach, the more I felt like I should be doing something. I wasn’t sure exactly what I should have been doing, but I certainly didn’t feel relaxed after all my planned activities had expired. It wasn’t relaxing for me to be doing nothing just for the sake of doing nothing. I’d fed into the hype about needing to take time for myself and needing to have down time. My time for myself involves me doing things that I enjoy and I don’t enjoy doing nothing. All this to say that this just passed through my head when for a moment I thought that I might just want to do nothing for a little while. Upon further reflection, what I wanted was to just be doing something else, but certainly not nothing. I am grateful for my little experiment in the past although it felt like a horribly wasted day. I suppose it was a wonderful reminder of how I should follow the path that brings me joy and not tread on another’s path to fulfillment. I’ll always fall short when I’m trying to measure up to others. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts. And on a super awesome note. I did some aerial silks stuff today, completely intro, but it was awesome and I have a wonderful monkeypal to thank, Namaste.

Om Shanti

slow and steady

yoginiray — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 06:43:54 +0000

I’ve jumped, rather tiptoed back in “The Shadow Effect” and am grateful I took the time to step away from it for a bit. I’m reading some ideas that are not foreign to me, but the light shed on the idea is a little different, and I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly! Overly optimistic? I think not. I appreciate words so much. They help take me to places I would not have otherwise experiences, and they provide me the opportunity to share something with people I may never meet. I’ve completed the first section, the section by Deepak Chopra and will be moving on to the remaining two sections. I look forward to the insight that will be shared.

Om Shanti

pain, pain go away…

yoginiray — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 01:32:19 +0000

A fellow yogi recently reminded me of how sometimes taking the time to let our bodies heal does a number on our souls as well. I’m working on resting my body, it’s not been badly beaten, but it’s been speaking to me and asking for a reprieve. So, I’ve granted myself one, and truthfully, I’m feeling like all the inner issues are having a hard time working themselves out. When I used to exercise it out, I don’t think the issues went away, but I sure felt better. Perhaps this is some way of confronting what I’ve been running from, numbing. So, here I am, facing my issues, and I must say, I’ve been quite ticked for the past month. Not consistently ticked, but in general I find that at times when I would usually feel sad, alone and lonely, I’m feeling irritated and angry and outraged. Is this some radical shift in my perspective, where I’m mad at the world? So mad that it’s gonna give me the juice to go out there and change it? I don’t know exactly what is taking place, but I think it has a lot to do with recurring difficulties that are testing my will to live my life and not someone else’s idea of what my life should be. Challenges, challenges. I just wanted to write that to get it out of my system a bit and admit that yes, I am upset, and now, the mining begins. Hopefully I’ll uncover some wonderfully unique gem, but in the mean time, I’ll just keep hacking away at all the rock surrounding the heart of the matter. Perhaps I should switch from this pick ax to an explosive of some sort…

Om Shanti